Thursday, April 9, 2015

How To Be A Miserable Human

How To Be A Miserable Human

With so many “how to” articles currently flooding the internet, (How To Have An Amazing Marriage, How To Succeed In Life, How To Have Your Perfect Body etc.) I thought I would add one more to the selection. 

I call it, “How To Be A Miserable Human.”

There are many ways to be miserable, should you choose that path.  But here are some ways, I have found that are foolproof….and work. EVERY. TIME.

1. Function under the delusion that the people in your life exist to serve you and your happiness.

Be incredibly, wholly focused on yourself, your needs, your circumstances, your stress, your pain. Be COMPLETELY oblivious to those around you, and unaware of the fact that they too have a story, and it might be worse than yours. Especially the ones closest to you ~ your family, your co-workers, etc. Never, ever lay aside your own priorities to give time and attention to someone else. Conduct yourself with the attitude that YOUR life is the most important. To do otherwise would prevent you from tunnel visioning your own stress and problems, and lead to less stress and happiness. Be selfish. Behave as though you are a privilege. Behave as though everyone in life owes you.

2. Be unappreciative.

Remove “please” and “thank you” from your vocabulary. Treat workers in the service industry like they aren’t even there. Never give notice or praise for a task well done. After all, “its their job,” and “that’s what they’re paid to do.” Don’t discover the joy and meaning that comes from being the one person to brighten the day of a stranger. And by all means, don’t make this a daily habit wherever you go, coffee shop, gas station. etc. ~ this could make people look forward to seeing you. 

3. Be critical.

View everything through the lens of negativity. Judge. Judge a lot. Judge people who dress, drink, listen to music, cope, eat, sleep differently than you. Refuse to try new things - and make fun of people who do. Judge everything that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life. Allow for zero diversity in your circle of friends. Make boxes for everyone, and be annoyed when they don’t fit inside of it. This makes you narrow minded and eventually walls you off from everyone. And above all, judge intensely when someone sins. Assume that you yourself are perfect, and above any mistakes. Reject humility. Never allow yourself to think, “that could easily be me.” Refuse to see yourself as flawed. This will stop you from cultivating compassion or mercy, and it will distance you from humanity.

4. Hold Grudges.

Hold them tightly. Remember them every day. Be angry every time you see the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is the only way to peace, so refuse it. Never decide to become a person who forgives quickly and doesn’t keep score. Keep score of EVERY misstep in a relationship. If you were badly hurt in the past, carry it like a banner. Never come to a point where you decide to lay it down and move on with your life. And by all means, refuse reconciliation. Forgiveness is a hard path, and one that creates unbelievable personal growth and capacity for greatness as a human being. Choose to view the one who wronged you as an evil, horrible monster, and not ever as a human being who makes mistakes like you. Always view people in extremes.

5. Suck The Life Out Of Your Significant Other.

This one is especially important, as, in doing this, not only does it make you miserable, but another human being as well ~ which doubles your unhappiness. Expect your significant other to meet your needs. Every. Single. One. Never take responsibility for your own happiness. Never develop your own space, identity, hobby. Place that burden on them. And then whine, complain, accuse and demand when they don’t meet it. Make them wonder why on earth they chose you in the first place. Remove humor from your relationship. Use sex as a prize. Being a fun girlfriend or wife would double your happiness and make him want to be around you. Don’t bring him a drink and a hot kiss when he’s watching the game. Stand in front of the tv and dispense guilt trips. Dump all your problems on him instead of your girlfriends. And then be super annoyed when he doesn’t respond like a girl. Be jealous. Always. Believe the worst of him. And make sure you check his phone obsessively and assume he is cheating if he doesn’t answer your text within 10 minutes. This makes you a jealous, insecure, unhappy person instead of a confident, sexy, fun human being that you can be proud of. Never say you are sorry. And if you are in an unhealthy relationship? Stay in it and complain instead of taking the unbelievably hard steps to get out of it. 

6. Refuse To Find Joy In The Small Things.

Ignore your senses. Its just a flower, after all. Just a sunset. Just a cold beer and a belly laugh with friends. Its just a crazy awesome lightning storm. Just the kiss or touch of another human being. Its just a really great movie. Just the sweet scent of a baby in your arms. Its just the ability to hold another human being and cry with them when their world has fallen apart. And giving them the assurance that they are not alone, therefore discovering that you are not alone either. Its just a place to lay down at night. Its just a cup of coffee. Its just an incredibly delicious dessert. Its just fresh cut grass. Its just doing your job well. Its just health. 

Because recognizing, and being thankful for all these things and more, will cultivate gratitude. It will cause you to feel pieces of joy all day long. It will feel good to be alive. It will help you to realize that life, though painful, can eventually go on despite unspeakable tragedy. 

7. Above All, Never Figure Out Who You Are.

Never pause to think about what kind of person you are, and what kind of person you want to be. Never decide that you want to be someone of value. Never choose to live your life in a way that makes people grateful to have met you. Never choose depth. Never think about what makes you feel alive. 

Never figure out what really matters.

Because what really matters cannot be bought. Its not superficial. And its not selfish. Its not money, looks, sex appeal.  Its not a doctorate, its not a house, its not youth.  

It is connecting with each other. Its finding faith. Its true worth. Its acknowledging the pain, uncertainty, tragedy, loneliness, joy, love, and sorrow that is this life. And its choosing to live it with others. Its choosing to become a person of depth and character. Its choosing to be someone who sees the good in another when no one else does. Its choosing to be a person of hope and second chances. 

Its choosing to live life to the absolute fullest degree in our souls.